Do you have escape fantasies? Be honest now. When your alarm screams at you in the morning, do you leap out of bed eager to start yet another day at your desk, or whatever prop (wrenches,keyboard, cash register,etc.) signals that you are, again, at work Or, like me, do you roll over and mumble expletives into your pillow? Eventually we roll out, gulp coffee, brush our teeth and head out the door.
Before I knew it, I was in my mid 40's. I have held many jobs ranging from waitress to cook. I have answered phones with a cheery and determined attitude in spite of how I actually felt. I have been self-employed and done very well as long as I never left and never, ever dropped the ball.
I have heard all the platitudes as have you I am certain. Life is too short. No one ever says on their death bed they wished they had spent more time at the office. There are many more but you get the point.
I recently read an article asking if the American Dream is dead. Define American Dream for me. Working day in and out, owning a nice home, 2 nice cars and some landscaping? Two weeks paid vacation? Raises and promotions at work? Sure, all of this and more. We have all been told if we work hard, life will turn out good. "They" told us that. I believed it too.
This is a not a political blog. It is not a get rich quick blog either. I have no secrets to share with you. I play the lottery, hoping to hit it big just like you. I can get lost for hours in my own mind, spending that money. I am, in these fantasies, always benevolent and giving. It makes me happy to think of ending hardship and struggle.
This is a blog about the pursuit of happiness. Simple pleasures and profound, at least for me, truths. It is about one woman's departure from common life. It is about the key players too. My husband and my dog. The setting? America.The supporting cast? A 36 foot Winnebago and a brain tumor. The tumor used to be in the key player's list. We have decided it will never be given that role again. It is a diva that tumor. It makes unreasonable demands and contributes very little to the over all production. It threatens to close the curtain and end production. Granted, it was the tumor that built the stage we found ourselves on. But we have decided to change that stage. It will come along certainly. It will only be given the attention we think it needs. So while cancer is definately a part, it is not main focus of this blog.
In 2006, for my 39th birthday, my husband had a grand mal seizure. He was diagnosed with glioblastoma stage IV (that is 4 for those of you who could not ever figure out those Roman numbers). This is an aggressive cancer. He was operated on, the tumor removed, or most of it and given 6-12 months to live. I spent that year in what surely must be hell. It is now 2011 and he is still here. Jerry is his name by the way. After that year, I spent the next 2 in a state of panic. Surely, this will be the month he goes down and again and I become a widow.
Jerry is disabled (though it is not obvious). He lost his job and his health insurance. He now gets health care from our government, who in their infinite, make that finite, wisdom, will cut him off if he makes more than X in a year.I
know, I said this was not a political blog. But that piece of information is important if you are to understand how I got from there to HERE. For over 5 years I have struggled to hang on to this our part of the American Dream. I have nearly destroyed my health in body and spirit. Being an intense person, I do things (what else?) intensely. I did a very good job. I am finished now. At least with the 3 bedroom home, the cars, the landscaping. Mowing the grass is rather like Nascar when you think about. All those left turns, endlessly roaring around in circles, eyes bulging, teeth gritted, just wanting to FINISH!
We have purchased our Winnie.I have quit my job with a joyful heart. That took me some time, to reach that state. Now we are packing up our home, selling what we do not need, which is nearly all of it. Who needs 18 pairs of shoes for chrissake? I am selling off parts of my business here and there. Soon, that too will be gone.
We will travel this country, together, the 3 of us to see what we can find. Places, people, food, life. My husband is the adventurer in this. He always has been. I decided to stop playing it safe and live. Because life
really is too short. And sometimes, even if you do all the right things, play the game right, you do not get to 65 and retire happily. In fact, statistics prove most of us do not.
This is not a pity party. This is not about cancer or dying, though we live with that every day. This is about living. It is that damn tumor, the Big C, which allows us to do this. It is with it, I give myself permission to abandon my long held truths and find new ones.
"Get busy living or get busy dying."- The Shawshank Redemption.
It all started with a marshmallow..... Now if I could just find a shortcut through all of this sorting and packing and get to good stuff already!
